Going through a divorce can be taxing at the very least. For many, a divorce completely alters the course of life. Along with adjusting to changes in family structure, home life, income, and social relationships one must also adjust to life as a single person, and that includes so much more than changing from the pronoun “we” to “I”. One of the most challenging aspects of becoming single following a divorce is adjusting to a new life as a single parent. Not only is there an absence of adult conversation in the home, it is also often the case that children’s behaviors change, and not always for the better.
Children are often left feeling very confused following a divorce. On one hand they may feel relieved that Mom and Dad are not arguing anymore. On the other hand, they may miss having relatively unlimited access to both parents, sometimes at the same time. One of the things I have noticed within my own children is confusion and stress related to issues of loyalty. Although we made it a point not to cause our children to feel as though they had to take sides during our divorce, they still felt that way. Consider the situation in which a child has returned from a visit with a non-custodial parent. The child had a great time during the visit and just cannot wait to tell his other parent about his fun weekend. However, the child may refrain from sharing these details because they fear the reaction of the custodial parent. They may feel as though they are betraying the custodial parent by having had a good time with the other parent.
One of the main causes of confusion for young children post-divorce is when their parent(s) begin dating again. This can be very anxiety-provoking for young children. It can also be the root of angry outbursts, aggressive behavior, withdrawal, or defiance. I need to point out that some children breeze through the experience displaying no apparent effects at all. That is great, but I do not believe that is often the case. I was fortunate because my children adjusted quite well to the idea of their parents dating other people. As a result of my personal experiences in this realm, as well as watching others go through the same thing, I have developed a few guidelines for parents to follow when deciding how or when to tell their children they are dating. The guideline assumes the parents have made the decision to resume dating, and they have begun the process already. I have also developed a few guidelines regarding how to introduce your children to your significant other.
Wait it Out.
The first guideline I can provide is to avoid telling children you are dating the moment you have your first post-divorce date. This can be difficult, especially if you view dating as an exciting event, but I encourage you to wait it out. It is likely to be wise to make sure the person you are dating is someone you think you will be dating for a while, like more than a date or two. Children may see dating as an act of betrayal of their other parent. They may wonder why you don’t love Daddy anymore, or how you could do that to Mommy. These are difficult emotions, and difficult questions to answer. Putting your child through this every few weeks as you change dating partners is not only difficult for them it is something they are not likely to understand. I would suggest waiting at least a couple of months before telling your children about your new relationship. This is the safest action you can take for yourself and for your children.
Be Open, Honest, and Direct.
Once you have made the decision to tell your children about your new relationship it is time to decide how you will tell them. This causes anxiety for many parents, and with good reason. As adults we too can feel as though we are somehow betraying our former spouse by dating again, and we also worry about our children’s reaction to our new situation. Although there is no golden rule or magic conversation that is guaranteed to work, I have discovered that what worked best for me was to be completely open, honest, and direct with my children.
I began the conversation by reminding my children how much I loved them. I told them my love for them was never going to change. I also made sure they knew that their father loved them as well. Then I told the children that I had been going on dates, and I asked them if they knew what that was. Though this might sound crazy, young children are often “going out” as early as the second or third grade. To them dating may mean sitting with someone new at lunch, because that is what they know going out to mean.
Once I knew my children had an accurate understanding of dating, I told them about my new relationship at a level they could understand. Parents, please spare the details here. Remember, your children are young and do not need or care to know everything about your relationship. That is what co-workers and same-gender friends are for! I remember asking my children if they had any questions several times throughout the conversation. To my surprise one of my children asked if I had a picture of my new friend. I did, and I showed it to them. I used the picture to open the lines of communication for questions about my date. My children asked me what his name was. They asked me what he did for a job. They asked me if he had children too. All of their questions were completely appropriate. Parents do not tell your children any more than what they ask. Keep it simple.
Finally, I made sure they knew that it was alright for Mom to be dating, and that no laws were being broken. This may be easier or more difficult for you depending upon when you resume dating, but it is still something that must be said. Remember, your child should hear about your new relationship from you, and not second-hand through a grandparent, friend, or your former spouse. They may worry that you are doing something you are not supposed to do. Ease their worries, and let them know you are alright. Do try, however, to avoid brining your former spouse into this part of the conversation. Children do not need to know that it is alright for Dad to date because Mom was dating before the divorce was even final. Again, please spare them the details.
At the conclusion of the conversation, the children asked when they could meet my friend. They were actually eager to meet him. When they did meet, a few weeks later, they were worried or nervous because they had been thoroughly prepared. This is not something parents should spring on their children by saying, “Oh, you want to meet him? That’s great because he is on his way over right now!” Please give your children time to digest your conversation. It is a lot to process as a young child.
Make it Public.
When it is time for you to introduce your children to your significant other do your best to ensure they will be meeting in a public place. This can go a long way in terms of easing anxiety or awkwardness. It also gives the meeting a central focus. For example, when my children met my significant other (who is now my husband) the meeting took place at a local arcade. We were able to bowl together, play video games and mini golf together, and then eat together in the snack bar. Conversation flowed because we could talk about the gutter ball I just bowled or how my daughter just made a hole in one. It was also a very relaxed and kid-friendly environment, which was much better for my children than meeting at a formal dining establishment. We laughed together, played together, and ate together. It was a great event. It also offered me an opportunity to see how the children related to my significant other in a public setting, and also to see how he interacted with them. I do not believe the meeting would have been as smooth and comfortable if we had met in one of our homes. Meeting in public offered safety, security, and an arena in which it was alright to enjoy ourselves without guilt.
No Replacements
Following the meeting, it is appropriate and important to make sure the children know that your significant other will never replace their other parent, and nor will any other person you may date or marry. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Please give your children your verbal permission to continue loving their mom or dad. Contrary to popular belief, they need to hear this from you. This goes back to the loyalty issue I referred to earlier. It is alright for your children to feel loyalty to their other parent. Please tell them this. I remember telling my children that even though we had gone through a divorce they were still very fortunate because they had a whole lineup of people who were just waiting to love them and to be a part of their lives. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?
The way children react to divorce, dating, and remarriage is largely the responsibility of their parents. If the parents mope around for months on end acting like it is the end of the world, their children will mirror their behaviors. On the other hand, if parents are very matter of fact with their children, telling them that divorce is a sad thing, but that they will heal in time, the children are likely to view the situation the same way. I have frequently said that our children will take their behavioral and emotional cues from us, and the arena of divorce, dating, and remarriage is definitely a situation in which my statement has proven to be true. Our children are watching us and listening to everything we say. Allow your child to see and hear positive things. They may thank you for it one day.
About this Author
Thank you for reading this article authored by Laura Riness. Laura is a freelance writer, National Certified Counselor, adjunct professor, doctoral psychology graduate student, wife, mother, and general information “junkie”. If you would like to read more of Laura’s work, please visit her blog at http://psyreflections.weebly.com, or her website (and video blog) at http://lsrinsideoutwellness.weebly.com.
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